god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
