There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
