I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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