he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
