Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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