oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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