then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize