I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
