My cat gives me a boner
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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