we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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