An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
