You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize