im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
