but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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