she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize