Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
he high fived his dick after we had sex
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
