Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
