I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
