I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
