Please, let me fuck your mom
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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