Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
