Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize