Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
