The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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