Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
