my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
