you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
