theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
