Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
How does it feel to date your dad?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
