My first STD was from a foam party
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
