I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
