Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
