Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I believe in your delicious
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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