You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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