My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
