Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Found the puke drawer
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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