somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
