Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm getting married
To pizza
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize