I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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