just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
