I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
