i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
