All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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