I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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