dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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