my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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