I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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