mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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