She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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