This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
