No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize