I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
