I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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