I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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