omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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