doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
