my phone needs a breathalizer
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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