the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
