checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
