Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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