he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
