I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
