Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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