Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
