Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
