Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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