y did u give ur computer a hand job?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
