I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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