Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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