the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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