I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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