the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
