i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize